Flick Pick: The Happening

M.Night Shing-a-ling makes great scary films. Sixth Sense tops my chart of one of the most freaky movies of all time. This one? well... hurm. Some Girl: Omg! my friend just stabbed herself in the neck. Ewww. Some Construction Worker: Whoa! All my friends are falling from the top of the building and are landing right in front of me, with their limbs getting totally dislocated and everything. [meanwhile, in Philadelphia] Mark Wahlberg: Yo, it's me, your know-it-all Science teacher. Let's talk about science and the world and I can inspire you to learn about interesting stuff. What's up with all the bees disappearing? Student: Maybe it's an act of nature and we'll never be able to explain it. [they hear about the events in New York and dismiss school. The news says its a terrorist attack. Why does every bad thing that happens in the US have to be blamed on the terrorists?] John Leguizamo: Hey best bud/ co-teacher, you can come hang out with my family in the country. Mark Wahlberg: Okay, will do, but hey, if my wife is acting weird, don't say anything. We're having marital problems troubles - no disaster movie would be complete without a couple like that. [he goes home to his doe-eyed wife, who constantly rejects a call from someone named Joey who never shows himself throughout the entire film] Zooey Deschanel: My eyes are very large, and I say only things that are completely obvious. Look, the news is on. Let me turn on the TV, which I just switched off when you walked in. Conveniently Placed News Report: So, basically, people lose motor control when they breathe the harmful air, then regain it but kill themselves. Weird. [they go the train station where everyone is in a slight frenzy] John Leguizamo: My wife will meet us later. She has to buy a doll house. If she's unlucky, she just might die from whatever is killing everybody. [turns to Zooey] Oh, and I know he said not to mention anything, but I'm going to awkwardly point out the fact that your marriage is failing. Leguizamo's Daughter: I'm a child, so I probably won't die in this movie. Children never die, unless its a Stephen King film where kids are brought back to life by being buried in an ancient Indian burial ground that's in the backyard. [they get on the train, but sit separately until the train suddenly stops in hicksville, Pennsylvania] Mark Wahlberg: As the most attractive and nosey man on this train, I will take responsibility for the group and ask the conductor what's going on. Conductor: Uh...we don't know. We lost contact with literally the rest of the world. Let's go to the diner and have a grilled cheese sandwich, and maybe some scrambled eggs too. Woman in Diner: Look! Technology has allowed me to receive this video from the Philadelphia Zoo! [they watch a man get ripped apart by a lions] Boy! that's gotta hurt. Some Random Guy: Hey! I think whatever's going on here isn't happening about 90 miles west! Everyone run in total panic, to your cars, even though we all came here on a train! [obviously, Marky Mark and friends are stranded] John Leguizamo: Uhm, since I haven't heard from my wife in a while, I'm going to go find her, because it's so incredibly likely that she's still alive, even though she's in Princeton, the middle of the infected area. Here, keep my daughter. [they part ways and Marky Mark gets a ride with a guy who's got a serious green thumb] Crazy Plant Dude: So, I think it's the plants doing this. They respond to human stimulus, you know. And they release stuff too. Do you like hot dogs? I certainly do. [meanwhile, in Princeton] John Leguizamo: Gee, I'm nervous. I really hope the thing that causes us to kill ourselves isn't happeni--WHAAAA!! [there are, like, dozens of people who are hanging from the trees] Scared Girl: Oh god! I think I'll just scream and scream to cause hysteria amongst my carpool mates who seem to be playing it cool! WWHHHAAA!!!! WWWHHHHAAA!!!! John Leguizamo: I'll tell you a math problem to help you before we all meet our inevitable death. [they eventually die, when they all breathe the air coming from a tiny hole in the soft top of the Wrangler, which nobody thinks of sealing. The driver smashes the car on a tree, Leguizamo gets down the car and slits his wrist] Meantime... Mark Wahlberg: Hey, look! More bodies. We better turn around. [they cannot, because there are dead people, like, everywhere they want to go] Army Guy: Fancy meeting you here at this crossroad. Well, I guess I'll take the lead, since I'm an army guy. We think it's hitting populated areas, so we're aiming for low density. This guy is a realtor, so he knows where there aren't many people. [they set off in two groups but the bigger groups kills themselves. How they manage to share a gun hat only has 5 rounds to shoot themselves is beyond me] Mark Wahlberg: Oh no. I sense the other, bigger group are all dead. While you are all panicking, I will use the scientific method that I teach my students to analyze what is going on and save us. Using the information of the crazy plant guy and my own observation skills, I have decided that the plants are probably to blame, and are targeting smaller and smaller populations. Let's split up. We just need to stay ahead of the wind. It can't be that hard to outrun wind, right?? [they end up with two young boys, who give Marky Mark relationship advice] Zooey Deschanel: Hey hubby, I had dessert with a dude from work and now I feel guilty, and I think this is the best time to bring it up since we'll experience the "till death do us part" bit soon. Mark Wahlberg: Oh yeah? Well I asked a really hot pharmacist how much cough syrup cost one time and I wasn't even sick. So there. [they laugh because they feel they have to forgive each other since they're going to die.] One of the Kids: Look! A house! Let's use their bathroom! Oh wait, it's a model home. Darn. Mark Wahlberg: More people are coming! Quick! We have to get away from them, because groups of people kill themselves! The Other Kid: Look! Another house! Let's get some food! [they demand the guy to open the door so they can hoard the fridge for helpless little girl but then get shot by insane homeowner.] Mark Wahlberg: Stupid kids. Oh well, I guess we just have to keep going. Oh, wait, another seemingly-deserted house situated in the middle of nowhere! Betty Buckley: Why are you staring at my cold, delicious glass of freshly squeezed lemonade? Oh, what the heck come in and have some. Tell your friends too who are standing there looking stupid at the side of the road. Mark Wahlberg: Oh. Hey. So...we need some help, and food, and stuff. We have a little girl. She's pretty much our ticket to a nice, warm bed to sleep in. And you're really our only option, though you are kinda loony. [she feeds them and busts them for having marriage issues] Betty Buckley: Oh, also, there's a speaking tube in the main house that goes to the shed where we used to hide slaves on the Underground Railroad. I just thought I'd mention that, for the sake of saying something interesting. Oh, and I also grow everything I eat. And I don't care about the world because it doesn't care about me. Here, have a cookie. Zooey Deschanel: [turning to hubby yet again] Though it's totally apparent, I will mention again that this woman is crazy. Betty Buckley: [suddenly appearing at the end of the hall] I can hear you whispering! I know you're planning to steal something and murder me while I'm sleeping! Mark Wahlberg: [most genuine voice in the world] What? No! Mark Wahlberg: Hey, crazy lady, we're up and I wa--AAAAAA! A creepy doll in her bed!! What a wacko! Betty Buckley: You caught me! Yes, I imagine that doll is the daughter I never had! I want you to leave this instant! [she SHAKES her fist so hard you think she might drop dead from a heart attack but she goes out to the garden, prays, then kills herself] Mark Wahlberg: I must find my wife! It sounds like she's in this other room, but she's not! It must be the speaking tube the crazy lady mentioned earlier. Good thing she brought that up, or we'd all be confused. Zooey Deschanel: We're going to die now, I guess. Let's talk through the tube. Mark Wahlberg: Well, if we're going to die, let's die together. Bring the kid with you, though, because we all know kids aren't supposed to die in movies. [they both go outside and meet in the middle of the garden. Crazy wind action but Zooey still looks great. They don't die.] Three months later.. Zooey Deschanel: Wow, all we needed to fix our marriage was an apocalyptic act of nature. And now I'm pregnant! And we adopted our friends' kid. Yay! News Report: So, we're not really sure what caused it, but we think it might be the plants reacting to us basically completely messing up the planet. Like, red tide but in plants. Yeah. Pretty much, it was an act of nature, and we can't explain it. [Cut to the Tuileries in Paris] Some French Guy: Un Deux Tois... Then the entire shebang happens again, but this time in France.