Wondering about Alice

Last month, I caught the TV movie of Alice in Wonderland in the Hallmark Channel. You know, the one with that girl who starred in Andre, the seal that lacked attention and was always getting itself into trouble. I thought it was an entertaining adaption of the Lewis Carroll book. I particularly liked Whoopi Goldberg as the Cheshire Cat (I think she had the perfect pearly whites for it) and Miranda Richardson as the Queen of Hearts.

On what seems to be is another LSD trip, Tim Burton is coming out with his own version of Alice in Wonderland sometime March next year. I'm expecting dark, ghoulish characters - totally not very Wonderland-ish.

Anne Hathaway as the White Queen

Mainstay Burtonee Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts

Carrot Top.. err.. Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter

I think Ellen should play the Cheshire Cat. Aside from grinning, she can totally bust a move.

Get hired

After graduating from college, I was a bum for 10 months - by choice. It turned out to be the most boring phase of my entire life wherein I'd get up at 11am, watch TV, call a fellow bum and walk aimlessly around the mall. It wasn't exactly the most productive thing. Looking back, I probably should have made the most out of my free time. If you find yourself staring into space while waiting for those job application results - well, that's if you've actually started applying for one - snap out of it and start hauling ass to a great career. If you're into fash and biz, you might want to consider doing this: 'Cause there's nothing like learning the business when you experience it yourself.

Cheap Curls

When you're broke and can't afford a decent bag of junk food, all you have to do is run along to the nearest Makro and splurge on recession chips. It shouldn't cost you more than a can of Planters Cheese Balls and it'll give you 42 packs of faux cheesy cheapness.

2012

After watching this, will you still feel fine?

The 80's

Ah, when 7-11 used to dump dollops of melted cheesy goodness on the hotdog, Coney Island scooped up bubble gum flavoured ice cream and served Eskimo Roll, when having high or brushed up hair shelled in Depp didn't look gross, and when Charlie Sheen, Pauly Shore, and ESPRIT were actually cool. To some, the 80's is like Vegemite - you either love it or hate it. I don't remember much of it except that I loved my royal blue pair of pants and LA sports jacket and that I had fun spending an afternoon at Quirino Grandstand with strangers who were also all in yellow carrying makeshift We Heart Ninoy placards (I never had so much fresh buco to drink in my young life then). Danish pop band Aqua is back with possibly another hit for this decade (because last it was Barbie Girl). Listen to the lyrics and see if you can relate to it.

D 10 cmandmnts

If God knew how to text (or tweet), this is how the 10 commandments would be: 1. No1 b4 me. srsly. 2. Dnt wrship pix/idols 3. no omg's 4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 snow; sun l8r) 5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool 6. dnt kill ppl 7. :-X only w/ m8 8. dnt steal 9. dnt lie re: bf 10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob. * from McSweeney

Home sweet Home

What do Gucci, Balenciaga, Stella McCartney, Yves Saint Laurent, Bottega Veneta, Boucheron, and Alexander McQueen have in common? Not only are they one of the most luxurious fashion houses in the world, they are also all backing a documentary called HOME.

"We are living in exceptional times. Scientists tell us that we have 10 years to change the way we live, avert the depletion of natural resources and the catastrophic evolution of the Earth's climate. The stakes are high for us and our children. Everyone should take part in the effort, and HOME has been conceived to take a message of mobilization out to every human being."

In it, filmmaker Yann Arthus-Bertrand mixes stunningly beautiful natural landscapes with a monologue about human consumption, along with aerial footage of our destructive footprint on the planet.

His eye swerves from the African plains to a sea of plastic-topped vegetable greenhouses in Spain and "concentration camp-style cattle farms" where the narrator says "not a blade of grass grows."

Oil-rich and development-crazy Dubai gets a special mention as a "new beacon for all the world's money" and is criticized for having endless sun but no solar-powered electricity.

The film is narrated in English by Glenn Close, in Spanish by Salma Hayek and in 15 other languages. It will be shown during the French Film Festival at Shangri-La Mall on June 7th and June 10th. Don't worry, its free. For more details about the film, check out their website.

Bruno's alphabet

In the latest issue of British Marie Claire, Bruno aka Sacha Cohen Baron dishes out his A-Z of fazhunnn.

A is for... AUSTRIA. Ze most amazing place in Europe. Ve’re all proud of our country und

are raised to try und achieve ze Austrian dream – find a job, get a dungeon und raise a family in it.

B is for... BULIMIA. Still to me ze number one eating disorder if you want a great body. Ich vas in fact ze first Austrian to have bulimia, it vas 1987 – three years before Diana. No big deal votever.

C is for... CHINESE. Zere’s like over 50

0 billion of zem, yet zey don’t have one single model amongst them – vy is zat?

D is for... DESIGNERS. Fashion is ze most important und lifesaving of all ze sciences. Vood World War II ever have started if zere’d been a Berlin Fashion Veek in 1939? Ich don’t think so.

E is for... EIGHTY. About ze right number of hats to pack for a veekend avay.

F is for... FLORIAN. He’s mein godson, ich just vanted to mention him cos he makes me so proud. He’s only five, but Brüno has already taught him how to read, write und make himself throw up.

G is for... GIANT PANDA

. Vot a beautiful, beautiful creature. A vord of vorning, though, its fur is not machine vashable.

H is for... HIGH-VAISTED JEANS. In terms of human tragedy on a mass

scale, vy are zese not getting the attention zat Hurricane Katrina did?

I is for... INJUSTICE. Vy do zey give out Nobel Prizes for physics, medicine und svimming, but not for fashion?

J is for... JACOBS, MARC. Not just a fashion designer, but alzo an important œ Œ vorld leader und beacon of hope for ze future of mankind. Not one suicide bomber has ever blown zemselves up vearing Marc Jacobs – you do ze mathematisher.

K is for... KAMPF, MEIN . Ze fashion bible written by Austria’s black sheep, Adolf. It literally translates as ‘My Flamboyance’.

L is for... ZE ‘LITTLE BLACK CHILD’. Thanks to Madonna und Brüno, it’s zis season’s vardrobe essential.

M is for... MR UNIVERSE. Ich helped Arnie vin zis for his final time in 1984. Ich met him at ze vay-in vere he was just over ze weight limit und needed to lose two ounces in seven minutes. Ich vas only too happy to help out.

N is for... NAOMI. She’s amazing – 20 years in ze business und all ze pressure und fame hasn’t changed her a bit – she’s remained a total bitch.

O is for... ORLANDO BLOOM . He’s basically obsessed mit me. I don’t vant to use ze word stalker, but ven ich vas at Milan Fashion Veek I stayed at ze Hotel Malecci. Guess who checked in to ze same hotel two hours later… Orlando Bloom. Coincidence? Ich don’t think so.

P is for... PINK . Just vatching him now on MTV. A great singer, great fashion sense und so hunky!

Q is for... QUEEN OF FASHION. Zis,

of course, can only be Anna Vintour. Still timelessly dignified, stylish and feminine, despite being in her fifties u

nd a pre-op trannie.

R is for... RUNWAY MODEL. Can you believe zis, I’ve never been one!

S is for... SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001. Famous

, of course, for being ze day on vich Oscar de la Renta reintroduced ze chambray peasant blouse.

T is for... TAMPONS. Ze perfect thing to snack on to keep zose hunger pangs avay und stay looking great. Just one heavy flow size vill leave you feeling full up for ze whole day.

U is for... UNDERVEAR. Try not to go mit out it too often or you’ll end up having to play hackysack mit your kugels just to keep zem off ze ground. Personally, ich just leave off mein unterhosen for appropriate occasions, like if I’m going to ze beach, or if I’m vearing a kilt und zere’s a chance ich vill be photographed getting out of a car.

V is for... VAXING. Hair removal und manscaping ist essential. Be careful if you do it yourself, though – yesterday ich tried to self-wax mein arschenhaller und glued meinself to ze bed. Even more important ist regular anal bleaching. In Austria, anal bleaching ist considered so important zat it’s paid for by ze state. In fact, you cannot run for office if you don’t have a vhite arschwitz. Zere are other benefits to getting ze bleaching – on my last session ze beautician, Klaus, found the long-lost head of a David Beckham action figure up zere.

W is for... WINEHOUSE, AMY. Ich bin sick of all ze haters – she is not too skinny, in fact, for ein junkie she ist actually zehr fat.

X is for... X-RAY PHOTOGRAPHS. Ich still look too fat!

Y is for... YOGURT. Peach flavour tastes best on ze vay back up.

Z is for... ZERO. Brüno’s dress size.

Spaceman

Louis Vuitton's new campaign features Astronauts Sally Ride (the first woman in space), Buzz Aldrin, and Jim Lovell. They've not only reached the stars, they did the moon, too!